Post by |AoD| Horvath on Oct 19, 2006 9:35:50 GMT -6
A bus full of very ugly people on it's way to a ugly people convention goes over a cliff and all onboard are killed. They are all called up to Heaven and are standing before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells them that since they suffered all of their lives because of their "unconventional" looks that any wish they want will be granted. The 1st in line begins weeping and says "I want to be beautiful!" and POOF!, she is. The second one breaks into tears and wishes he were handsome. BAM!, instant Hasselhoff. This continues until St. Peter comes to the last person in line, who is chuckling to himself. Peter asks him "What's so funny?" and the man says:
"Make them all ugly again!"
WORLDS THINNEST BOOKS
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD>>
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA 'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT : A Travel Guide
A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
Bridge Travel
by Ted Kennedy
> >>And the world's Number One Thinnest Book<<<
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
Small Town
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car! He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car and were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it"
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed. . so we're just waiting.
There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot
of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks
it, and leaves.
The third vampire walks into a bar, looks at the clock on the wall, and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water." The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?" The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "It's tea time!"
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "what's with the long face"
a termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Blond woman gets pulled over by a blond police officer, the cop ask's for her ID, the woman starts searching through here purse, the cop see's that the woman is having some trouble finding it and tells the woman it's a little rectangle with your picture on it, the woman looks through her purse pulls out a mirror looks at and see's herself in it and hands it to the cop, the cop looks at it and hands it right back, the woman ask's if theres something wrong, the cop replies I'm sorry i didn't realize you were on the force
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door . . .
. . , noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the dern thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."
Four Nuns having the Weekend off
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.
"However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."
The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."
The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street."
The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "She's pregnant, in labor and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!!"
"Is this her first child?" asked the Doctor.
"NO, YOU IDIOT" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run round Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
Yo Momma's SOOOooo Fat . . .
When she dances she makes the band skip.
When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctorgave her 13 years to live.
She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
All the restaurants in town have signs that say "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama".
When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
They had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.
She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
She's on BOTH sides of the family.
When I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.
She could sell shade.
When she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
People jog around her for exercise.
She gets runs in her jeans.
Her blood type is Ragu.
When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
If she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
She has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
She can't even jump to a conclusion.
She went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
She was walking down the street, I swerved to miss her, and ran out of gas.
LMFAO!!!
20 Ways To Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?'
2. Say, 'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'
5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh [TOS Violation]! My glass eye!'
6. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.(best one)
8. Say, 'Now how did that get there?'
9. Say, 'Humus. Reminds me of humus.'
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'
11. Say, 'Interesting.. more floaters than sinkers.'
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'
13. Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me.'
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.
Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, 'Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.
16. Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your 'Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free'.
Theres 3 horses sittin in a bar.
1st one says: "The other day I was leading into the home straight and 50 yards from the line I veered to the left, hit the fence and lost the race."
2nd one says: "Yeah just last week I was moving up thru the bunch and 50 yards away from the finish line as I was breaking into the lead......Yup I veered to the left, hit the fence and lost the race."
3rd one says: "Yeah yeah, yesterday I lead from the outset, had a huge lead, came into the home straight and 50 yards away from the finish line.....I veered to the left, hit the fence and lost the damm race."
Just then a greyhound sitiing at the next table says "Wow that is so freaky, that same thing happened to me a month ago. Yeah I was leading after a slow start, I had to go right around the outside, overtook the whole pack and 50 yards away from the finish line I veered to the left, hit the fence and lost the race."
The first horse turns around and says "Whoa look, a talking dog!!!"
Little Johnny turned 5 and was so excited about his first day of school.
The only thing was that Little Johnny had a lisp.
Anyways, Little Johnny gives his dad a hug and goes off to the bus stop. 5 minutes later the bus pulls up and Little Johnny says, " ITH THITH THE BUTH TO THKOOL?? "
Straight away the bus driver gets out and beats Little Johnny up.
Little Johnny runs home howling and says "DADDY, THE BUTH DWIVER BEAT ME UP!!"
Little Johnny's dad says "IT'S OK SON, IT WAS PROBABLY A MISUNDERSTANDING."
Little Johnny says "OK DAD" and thinks nothing of it.
The next day Little Johnny cruises down to the bus stop. 5 minutes later the bus pulls up and Little Johnny says, " ITH THITH THE BUTH TO THKOOL?? "
Again the bus driver gets out and beats Little Johnny up.
Little Johnny runs home howling and says "DADDY, THE BUTH DWIVER BEAT ME UP AGAIN !!"
Little Johnny's dad was fuming that this had happened 2 days in a row and said to Little Johnny " DON'T WORRY MY BOY I'LL FIX THAT BUS DRIVER UP!! "
So for the 3rd day in a row Little Johnny rocks off to the bus stop to wait for the bus, only this time Little Johnny's dad is with him and he is fuming.
5 minutes later the bus pulls up and Little Johnny's dad says "STAY HERE SON I'LL HANDLE THIS" and promptly drags the bus driver out of the bus and says "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE PICKING ON MY SON??
? RIGHT HERE BEFORE I KNOCK YOU SENSELESS YOU BETTER TELL ME WHY YOU BEAT MY SON UP!!"
The bus driver is shaking in his boots but just before he bursts into tears he says " I ONLY DID IT COTH HE WATH GETTING THMART."
Dear God
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving monkeys at the Post Office.
Top Ten Inventions By Blonds
The waterproof towel
Solar-powered flash light
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Ejector seat in a helicopter
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheelchair
Waterproof tea bags
thats it folks
"Make them all ugly again!"
WORLDS THINNEST BOOKS
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD>>
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA 'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT : A Travel Guide
A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
Bridge Travel
by Ted Kennedy
> >>And the world's Number One Thinnest Book<<<
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
Small Town
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car! He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car and were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it"
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed. . so we're just waiting.
There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot
of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks
it, and leaves.
The third vampire walks into a bar, looks at the clock on the wall, and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water." The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?" The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "It's tea time!"
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "what's with the long face"
a termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Blond woman gets pulled over by a blond police officer, the cop ask's for her ID, the woman starts searching through here purse, the cop see's that the woman is having some trouble finding it and tells the woman it's a little rectangle with your picture on it, the woman looks through her purse pulls out a mirror looks at and see's herself in it and hands it to the cop, the cop looks at it and hands it right back, the woman ask's if theres something wrong, the cop replies I'm sorry i didn't realize you were on the force
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door . . .
. . , noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the dern thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."
Four Nuns having the Weekend off
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.
"However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."
The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."
The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street."
The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "She's pregnant, in labor and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!!"
"Is this her first child?" asked the Doctor.
"NO, YOU IDIOT" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run round Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
Yo Momma's SOOOooo Fat . . .
When she dances she makes the band skip.
When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctorgave her 13 years to live.
She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
All the restaurants in town have signs that say "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama".
When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
They had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.
She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
She's on BOTH sides of the family.
When I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.
She could sell shade.
When she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
People jog around her for exercise.
She gets runs in her jeans.
Her blood type is Ragu.
When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
If she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
She has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
She can't even jump to a conclusion.
She went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
She was walking down the street, I swerved to miss her, and ran out of gas.
LMFAO!!!
20 Ways To Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?'
2. Say, 'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'
5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh [TOS Violation]! My glass eye!'
6. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.(best one)
8. Say, 'Now how did that get there?'
9. Say, 'Humus. Reminds me of humus.'
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'
11. Say, 'Interesting.. more floaters than sinkers.'
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'
13. Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me.'
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.
Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, 'Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.
16. Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your 'Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free'.
Theres 3 horses sittin in a bar.
1st one says: "The other day I was leading into the home straight and 50 yards from the line I veered to the left, hit the fence and lost the race."
2nd one says: "Yeah just last week I was moving up thru the bunch and 50 yards away from the finish line as I was breaking into the lead......Yup I veered to the left, hit the fence and lost the race."
3rd one says: "Yeah yeah, yesterday I lead from the outset, had a huge lead, came into the home straight and 50 yards away from the finish line.....I veered to the left, hit the fence and lost the damm race."
Just then a greyhound sitiing at the next table says "Wow that is so freaky, that same thing happened to me a month ago. Yeah I was leading after a slow start, I had to go right around the outside, overtook the whole pack and 50 yards away from the finish line I veered to the left, hit the fence and lost the race."
The first horse turns around and says "Whoa look, a talking dog!!!"
Little Johnny turned 5 and was so excited about his first day of school.
The only thing was that Little Johnny had a lisp.
Anyways, Little Johnny gives his dad a hug and goes off to the bus stop. 5 minutes later the bus pulls up and Little Johnny says, " ITH THITH THE BUTH TO THKOOL?? "
Straight away the bus driver gets out and beats Little Johnny up.
Little Johnny runs home howling and says "DADDY, THE BUTH DWIVER BEAT ME UP!!"
Little Johnny's dad says "IT'S OK SON, IT WAS PROBABLY A MISUNDERSTANDING."
Little Johnny says "OK DAD" and thinks nothing of it.
The next day Little Johnny cruises down to the bus stop. 5 minutes later the bus pulls up and Little Johnny says, " ITH THITH THE BUTH TO THKOOL?? "
Again the bus driver gets out and beats Little Johnny up.
Little Johnny runs home howling and says "DADDY, THE BUTH DWIVER BEAT ME UP AGAIN !!"
Little Johnny's dad was fuming that this had happened 2 days in a row and said to Little Johnny " DON'T WORRY MY BOY I'LL FIX THAT BUS DRIVER UP!! "
So for the 3rd day in a row Little Johnny rocks off to the bus stop to wait for the bus, only this time Little Johnny's dad is with him and he is fuming.
5 minutes later the bus pulls up and Little Johnny's dad says "STAY HERE SON I'LL HANDLE THIS" and promptly drags the bus driver out of the bus and says "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE PICKING ON MY SON??
? RIGHT HERE BEFORE I KNOCK YOU SENSELESS YOU BETTER TELL ME WHY YOU BEAT MY SON UP!!"The bus driver is shaking in his boots but just before he bursts into tears he says " I ONLY DID IT COTH HE WATH GETTING THMART."
Dear God
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving monkeys at the Post Office.
Top Ten Inventions By Blonds
The waterproof towel
Solar-powered flash light
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Ejector seat in a helicopter
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheelchair
Waterproof tea bags
thats it folks
